My doctor from the other end of the phone, “Are we in labor?”
“No” I reply, “But I haven’t felt the baby move in several hours…”
“You need to go to the hospital right now to be monitored.”
So, in leisurely panic mode, I grab the bag I already had packed, let the dogs out to pee, and grab some snacks for my son as Hot Nerd wakes him and gets him dressed. My husband starts packing weird things like a large Nalgene bottle full of water, and a bath towel.
We make it to the hospital, my husband runs inside, comes out with a wheelchair, insists I get in it, takes our son out of the car and places him next to me. Instead of wheeling me in to get checked in, he proceeds to get back in the car, and go the parking lot to park… leaving me in a wheelchair… on the sidewalk in front of the ER… holding the hand of a three year old.
Luckily, a woman behind the desk sees this, and comes out to get me. It takes about five minutes to fill out paper work, and just another five for someone to bring me back to Labor and Delivery. All of this is way too long for Hot Nerd, who insists we call the doctor again… perhaps so she can march down to the ER and tell them that their order of procedure is lacking, that I’m the most important person the world, and they really need to hop to it.
Soon I get strapped in for a non-stress test to monitor the baby. We hear a heartbeat right away *exhale*, and as soon as the nurse figures everything is okay, she lets Hot Nerd and Bam Bam come into the room to keep me company. I have to stay for an hour, and we watch the monitor, listen to the heartbeat, and count movements.
All in all it is fairly uneventful. I have a couple small contractions, but nothing steady. The nurse entertains me with a story of how she gave birth to her third child at home on the bathroom floor because she started crowning as soon as she realized she was in labor.
Then she mentions my contractions and says she doesn’t feel like I need a pelvic exam, “but if you want one, I can check you”.
As she says “check you”, she uses her hand to slowly mime insertion into some air vagina in front of her. She then rotates her fingers, and raises her eyebrows at me… with her hand still out in front of her… inside the make believe pelvis.
If I want one?
I blink again.
“Noooooo… I think I’m good. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow afternoon, so…”
She says okay, and that she will prepare the release papers. As she opens the door, she turns back to me and says, “You sure? You feel comfortable? You don’t want me to check you?”
And then she does it again…
fingers out in front of her…
Her miming skills are good, and I can almost see the vagina in front of her. I just don’t want it to be mine.
“Nope. It was good to hear the heartbeat. I think we’re just going to get out of here.”
And that we did.