Please Don’t Pantomime a Vagina.

 

My doctor from the other end of the phone, “Are we in labor?”

“No” I reply, “But I haven’t felt the baby move in several hours…”

“You need to go to the hospital right now to be monitored.”

So, in leisurely panic mode, I grab the bag I already had packed, let the dogs out to pee, and grab some snacks for my son as Hot Nerd wakes him and gets him dressed.  My husband starts packing weird things like a large Nalgene bottle full of water, and a bath towel.

We make it to the hospital, my husband runs inside, comes out with a wheelchair, insists I get in it, takes our son out of the car and places him next to me.  Instead of wheeling me in to get checked in, he proceeds to get back in the car, and go the parking lot to park… leaving me in a wheelchair… on the sidewalk in front of the ER… holding the hand of a three year old.

Luckily, a woman behind the desk sees this, and comes out to get me.  It takes about five minutes to fill out paper work, and just another five for someone to bring me back to Labor and Delivery.  All of this is way too long for Hot Nerd, who insists we call the doctor again… perhaps so she can march down to the ER and tell them that their order of procedure is lacking, that I’m the most important person the world, and they really need to hop to it.

Soon I get strapped in for a non-stress test to monitor the baby.  We hear a heartbeat right away *exhale*, and as soon as the nurse figures everything is okay, she lets Hot Nerd and Bam Bam come into the room to keep me company.  I have to stay for an hour, and we watch the monitor, listen to the heartbeat, and count movements.

All in all it is fairly uneventful.  I have a couple small contractions, but nothing steady.  The nurse entertains me with a story of how she gave birth to her third child at home on the bathroom floor because she started crowning as soon as she realized she was in labor.

Then she mentions my contractions and says she doesn’t feel like I need a pelvic exam, “but if you want one, I can check you”.

As she says “check you”, she uses her hand to slowly mime insertion into some air vagina in front of her.  She then rotates her fingers, and raises her eyebrows at me… with her hand still out in front of her… inside the make believe pelvis.

If I want one?

I blink.

I blink again.

“Noooooo… I think I’m good.  I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow afternoon, so…”

She says okay, and that she will prepare the release papers.  As she opens the door, she turns back to me and says, “You sure?  You feel comfortable?  You don’t want me to check you?”

And then she does it again…

fingers out in front of her…

rotate, rotate…

Her miming skills are good, and I can almost see the vagina in front of her.  I  just don’t want it to be mine.

“Nope.  It was good to hear the heartbeat.  I think we’re just going to get out of here.”

And that we did.

 

There is never a need to pantomime a vagina.

There is never a need to pantomime a vagina.

 

 

 

 

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Comments (31)

  • Cheryl @ Mommypants 9 years ago Reply

    o.m.g.

    That is… I don’t even know what to say.

    Also, I never got checked with my third. There is no point to it, so why introduce germs into the area? Aside for the obvious enjoyment of it…ACK!

  • Tiny Blue Lines 9 years ago Reply

    LOL. I feel this from the other side–I’m training as a labor and delivery nurse and guilty as charged with the vagina pantomiming! You’d be surprised how anxious some women are to be checked…constantly.

    Jenni Chiu 9 years ago Reply

    I can understand some women being nervous and wanting to be checked…
    You’ve done it? You’ve mimed the vagina?
    Do they teach you that… or is it a natural bi-product…

  • The Sweetest 9 years ago Reply

    As if you wouldn’t know what she meant by “check you.” You should have said, “No, but thanks for acting it out.”

  • Nique 9 years ago Reply

    Ok. She’s just a LITTLE creepy. So glad you and baby are ok.

  • nic @mybottlesup 9 years ago Reply

    ::shudder::

    i would cry. and beg her to never make that hand motion again.

  • Jen 9 years ago Reply

    I didn’t know it was possible to pantomime a vagina. I guess it is and I need some practice.

  • Now I’m all kinds of curious how a vagina looks in pantomime.

    Glad everything’s okay!

  • Varda (SquashedMom) 9 years ago Reply

    You had me at air vagina.

    Also? A friend of mine gave birth to #2 in the back of a cab on the West Side Highway. She was trying to be a “good patient” and not show up too early & be yelled at & sent home by the nurses. Ooops.

    Hope the birth is easy!

  • Wow, she should go into miming. And why would anyone “want” a pelvic exam? Not fun!

  • Oh Lordy. My kids are on top of me “Why are you laughing so hard you’re crying?” A pantomimed vagina is just too much before my coffee…

    Glad the baby’s ok and that you missed out on that friendly pelvic exam.

  • Elena 9 years ago Reply

    I LOL’d at this! I so remember getting asked this question (repeatedly) with my 1st baby. I did not, however, have the pleasure of a demonstration of what was to come (good thing, too because I would likely have run for the car)!
    Good luck on the new bebe! I’m preggers, too, with 10 weeks and 1 day to go!

    Jenni Chiu 9 years ago Reply

    Congrats, lady! I wish you an easy birth… and that you remain a virgin of the vagina pantomime.

    Elena 9 years ago

    Lol! Thanks, me, too!

  • Dre 9 years ago Reply

    There isn’t enough vagina pantomiming in the world…

  • TANYA 9 years ago Reply

    HAHAHA! That is almost as bad as the universal pantomime for giving a girl oral. Please.don’t.

    Jenni Chiu 9 years ago Reply

    OMG – I couldn’t help it… I just did it. But only my dogs saw me.

  • Mama Mary 9 years ago Reply

    Even the words “I can check you” make me cringe, but to add the vagina pantomime seems criminal. *shudder*

    Jenni Chiu 9 years ago Reply

    Yes- I’m afraid other phrases may be ruined for me now too… like “check mate”.

  • Marta 9 years ago Reply

    I think the title in and of itself was hilarious. I too can perfectly envision this vagina floating miraculously in the air as this thorough nurse “checks it”.

  • OMG…sounds like some horny teenager aimlessly trying to turn you on…that is SICK!

    Can I tell you (proudly) that I never had an internal with the Crazies? They didn’t want to stir things up and it worked…38.5 weeks those suckers were in there. Thank God I never got the rotating fingers…ick!

  • Elly Lou 9 years ago Reply

    From now on I’m going to whip out the pantomime vagina every time I would otherwise air quote.

    Jenni Chiu 9 years ago Reply

    Please. I will pay you to do that.

  • Mama Kat 9 years ago Reply

    Oh my Lord…pure hilarity. “Mmmm, yes I’ll take one of those please!”

  • jo@blog-diggidy 9 years ago Reply

    goodness.sakes.alive. didn’t know what i was getting myself into when i read that title…whew, i think some of those nurses are just a little too eager to be doin’ those exams….

  • No Drama Mama 9 years ago Reply

    OMG, hilarious! And lucky you, to know exactly what her hand movements would look like while in your vagina. A rare present, indeed.

  • Minky {moo} 9 years ago Reply

    Missed opportunity. I bet she has a whole interpretive dance about conception!

    Jenni Chiu 9 years ago Reply

    That I would’ve stayed to watch! There’s a very thin line between weirdness and art…

  • Alexandra/The Empress 9 years ago Reply

    Perfect post.

    And the miming vagina…just what you needed for a good laugh release after th at scare.

    You poor thing.

    I can remember…not feeling movement, toward the end, b/c things were so packed tight in there..

    and the exhale at the heartbeat.

    You took me right there.

    xo

    Love you, girl.

  • Brittany 6 years ago Reply

    I am trying to imagine that pantomime and I do not know why. It’s a good thing I have to run to pick up my kids because otherwise I bet I would find it on youtube and be just as creeped out as you were.

    Jenni Chiu 6 years ago Reply

    See, why did you have to go and mention YouTube? Now I’ll never get anything done today.

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