No One Told Me Motherhood Would Turn Me Into This.

Whose body is this?

My feet changed sizes when I was pregnant with my first son.  People don’t tell you this – at least no one told me.  Sure, I expected the swelling in the last trimester, but I didn’t expect my feet to get bigger by a half size and NEVER GO BACK.  So now I’m not only stuck with pre-mom clothes that don’t fit, but I also have an entire closet full of awesome shoes that make my toes bleed when I try to wear them.

With pregnancy does come lustrous and full hair, though.  Both times I was pregnant, I also had a thick luscious mane of hair… but then it sprouted up in unexpected places – like my toes.  The hair then fell out in mass quantities after I gave birth.  I lost most of the hair around my forehead and above my ears – which caused my ears to stick out through my stringy, no-time-to-wash hair.

I have yet to lose the hair on my toes.

The first time I was pregnant, winter happened around my third trimester and none of my jackets would close around my midsection.  My mother-in-law took pity on me and bought me some warm, cape-like things that I still have to this day in my closet.  I never in a million years thought I would own cape-like things as part of a regular wardrobe.

The physical on-the-job aspects of motherhood have also taken a toll on my body.

I realize that since I first became a mother four years ago, I’ve spent an obscene amount of time hunched over.  My upper body has been continuously folded forward to accommodate the baby strapped to my chest, or in my arms, or the child riding piggy-back.  I’m also constantly bent over scooping up toys, wiping up spills, and kneeling over a bathtub.  Put all that together with the weight of holding two human lives in my hands, and I’ve lost a full inch off my height.  I’m getting shorter and shorter as the days go by – I’m sure of it.

Taking off that extra baby weight was also hard… especially when breastfeeding made me absolutely ravenous.  Plus, I get up around 5 am and eat breakfast.  Then after I’ve fed everyone else, packed a lunchbox for preschool, gotten my son dressed, made it back from school drop off, and put the baby down for a nap – it’s 9 am and I’m hungry again so a second breakfast needs to be had.

My powers of deduction are pretty good, and I think it’s pretty clear what has been happening to me.  I just wish someone would’ve freaking warned me about it before hand.  So, that’s what this post is for.  This is for all the future mothers out there.  Lots of people tell you about the spit up, the diapers, the lack of sleep, the strength and wisdom you never thought you were capable of.

Well I’m here to tell you what they won’t.

It’s possible that motherhood will turn you into a Hobbit.



*  Stringy hair.

*  Shoe-less, hairy feet.

*  Ears that stick out.

*  Ill-fitting clothes.

* Short.

*  Needs a second breakfast, second lunch, and second dinner.

*  Walks around in capes.

Your welcome.




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Comments (10)

  • Alison 9 years ago Reply

    Oh. Shit.

  • Jen 9 years ago Reply

    Hold the phone! I think you are totally onto something here.

  • melissa 9 years ago Reply

    OHHHH…so THAT’S what happened to me. Thank you. I knew there had to be a reasonable explanation for all this! You forgot to mention chiskars. That happened too.

  • Amelie 9 years ago Reply

    And elevensies. Don’t forget elevensies.

  • Alexandra 9 years ago Reply


    You made me smile, laugh, and feel right at home with this one.

    You’re a very special woman, thank you.

  • Jill 9 years ago Reply

    Hysterical! But so true too. I’ll have to forward this to my childless friends upon their first pregnancy. It’ll be better than a baby shower gift. It’s the gift of truth that no one dares speaks of! Oh do I miss some of my fantastic pre-baby shoes . . .

  • Asianmommy 9 years ago Reply

    Yikes! Sadly, much of this is true…plus the stretch marks.

  • Lady Jennie 9 years ago Reply

    You’re making me laugh. Yup. All those things. I had such pretty shoes!!!

  • Mary 9 years ago Reply

    I remember those days. I purchased a lot of shoes during one of my vacations and after giving birth, I couldn’t wear like half of them. Oh, the swollen feet.

  • Amanda 6 years ago Reply

    Oh this made me laugh!

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