Just Call Me Cougar.

baby cougar

 

I could feel the lifeguard’s gaze on me.  It was hot.  The weather – the weather was hot.

“Look at me, mama! I’m going underwater…”

My four year old dunked his head for a few seconds under the water, and I secretly wished I too was taking swim lessons and could splash around in the coolness.  My youngest pounded on his stroller next to me – demanding my attention and another rice cracker.  I reached into my bag for another cracker and caught the eyes of the lifeguard.  He gave me a boyish grin… me – out of all the people at the pool, he grinned at ME.

I plopped a rice cracker onto the tray of the stroller and started to fan myself with an empty, floppy Ziploc.

Am I having a cougar moment?  Is that what this is?  His abs are so tan and tight… 

I noticed that my legs were crossed in a way that was completely unflattering to my left thigh, so I peeled one leg off the other, and crossed my ankles instead.  My son waved at me from the water.  I lifted my arm to give a giant wave back, but noticed my tricep  flapping, so I lowered it and gave a dainty finger wave.  I also wiped some sweat off my chest… while very subtly lifting each breast a little higher into the shelf bra.

The lifeguard stood up.

Oh my God, it’s like he’s responding to my boob lift.  I’m a total cougar!  I’m so naughty.  

This is fun.

He started to walk toward me.

Oh, fuck he’s coming over here.  I knew I should’ve put concealer on.

I dug out more crackers from my bag and put one, two, ten in front my baby boy.  I pulled my shoulders back and flashed a brilliant smile to my kid in the pool – all the while feeling the lifeguard’s eyes.

He was still walking toward me… in slow motion… his stomach all Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise.

I glanced down at my hand to make sure my wedding ring was very visible – that needed to be clear from the start.

He started to take off his sunglasses as he approached me.

I slowly traced a bead of sweat down my temple with my index finger.

Look at me… slowly caressing my temple.  Stop fidgeting!

He took his glasses completely off,

looked past my right shoulder,

and walked

right

by

me.

I watched him hug a young lady, grab a book from her, and head back to his chair.

“I was kicking, momma!”

I gave my son a big thumbs up and smiled.

Then I stole a rice cracker off my baby’s tray and ate it.

*rawr*

 

 

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Comments (17)

  • Alison 7 years ago Reply

    Dying over here. Dying. xo

    Jenni Chiu 7 years ago Reply

    Probably not as much as I did on the inside.

  • You’re funny! XOXO

  • Rene Foran 7 years ago Reply

    This is hilarious because it’s so damn right on the money. But for one brief shining moment it was Samantha and Jake from 16 Candles…me ? Yeah, you!

    Jenni Chiu 7 years ago Reply

    Nice 16 Candles reference! Although you have also just reinforced how stinking old I am…
    and you…

    Rene Foran 7 years ago

    Not old. Experienced!

  • Kat 7 years ago Reply

    I can’t believe he got cold feet at the last minute like that. So immature. 😉

    Jenni Chiu 7 years ago Reply

    I should’ve just yelled, “bok bok bok bok bok – chicken!”
    But, you know…
    I didn’t.
    Alas, hindsight…

  • kimberley bischof 7 years ago Reply

    I’m certain the closer he got the more he realized you were too much woman (experienced) for him to handle;-)

  • Alexandra 7 years ago Reply

    way to play it cool, mama.

    You know he totally was into you.

    xo

  • Cathy Flynn 7 years ago Reply

    The girl was his sister, the book was “Fifty Shades of Grey” and he was totally gay. All the ripped ones are.

  • John 7 years ago Reply

    Jenni, I’ve seen you now – there is no “unflattering pose” that you have.

    I’m guessing he was coming over to you, but just couldn’t work up the courage to say hi.

    Jenni Chiu 7 years ago Reply

    That’s sweet… but you haven’t seen me attempt yoga.

  • @bluenotebacker 7 years ago Reply

    Women my age get to be Cougars. Guys my age? We’re just creepy 🙁 Not fair! Funny stuff, Jenni, your delivery is always on point, lol

    Jenni Chiu 7 years ago Reply

    Although, in our twenties when guys sleep around they are called a stud… women not so much. It’s our turn now, baby!

  • Anne 7 years ago Reply

    My heart was in my throat. I love your vulnerability and your gumption. Bet the other commenters are right about him.

  • […] finally became a cougar… for three seconds – big milestones this […]

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