The automated voice asked me if the number I was calling from was the number on the account. I said, “no.”
It then told me it could not find that number associated with any account.
“That’s why I said no, dumb ass.” *click*
The automated voice heard me right the second time, and after punching in my account number I was put on hold for about 5 minutes.
It was during these five minutes that my toddler stopped headbutting me to instead attack me with a Play Doh snake, and force me to eat an imaginary cake with hash browns on top.
Hello, this is Suzie. How can I help you today?
I have a bundle package, and I’d like to cancel our internet and cable while just keeping the phone service.
May I have the account number please.
(You mean the one I just typed in five minutes ago?) Sure, ***-***-****.
Okay, thank you. Who am I speaking with?
Thanks Jennifer. May I ask why you are canceling with us today?
Purely financial reasons.
I actually can’t handle any cancellations, so let me go ahead and transfer you to our cancellations department.
I am then on hold for another ten minutes. It is at this time that I put my son in his highchair in front of a pile of snacks and turn on his favorite television show. I’m in it for the long haul.
Good afternoon, this is Gerald. What can I do for you today?
*sigh* I have a bundle package but would like to cancel my internet as well as cable.
I’m sorry to hear that. What is your reason for canceling?
Can I have your account number please?
I see you have a bundle package. I may be able to adjust some of the channels you receive and save you about $10 a month. Would you be interested in that?
No we’d like to get rid of the cable service all together.
I could take HBO off your package and give you STARZ for free for the first three months.
*eye twitching* No. We’re going to go ahead and get rid of all the channels. We don’t want cable anymore. Or the internet service. Just the land line.
Okay, I can take care of that for you. If you do change your mind, just give us a call. Would you like the service to be discontinued this week?
Yes please. Tomorrow if possible.
(from the other room) MA MA! MA MA! MA MA! ALL DONE! GET DOWN! ALL DONE!
Before we do that. I’ve just gotten permission to give you a five dollar credit on your bill for three months if you keep your cable service.
*slapping my knee repeatedly just for fun* If I didn’t take the $10 off, why would I want $5 off?
I’ll go ahead and put your request in.
Can you tell me how much just the phone service will be.
I am with the Dish service. I will cancel your cable service, but will have to transfer you to AT&T so they can handle your internet and phone needs.
Wait, I just talked to AT&T-
I’m put on hold again. I attempt to crack my knuckles (which I could never do) to prepare myself for yet another round of giving my name, account number, and why I’m fucking calling. I peek in on Bam Bam and he is physically scooting his entire highchair across the dining room floor. I run over and release him from his chair jail while handing him two books to keep him busy.
Hello, this is (insert some bland name here). Thank you for calling AT&T, how can I be of service?
*Taking a ballpoint pen and shoving the tip under my thumbnail as hard as I can.* I was transferred here from Dish to cancel my internet service.
Can I have your account number please?
Really? Because I’ve given it at least four times already.
For security purposes I do need your account number.
Thank you. May I ask why you would like to discontinue your service?
No, you may not.
I’m sorry? What is the reason you are canceling with us?
The speed sucks.
Let me check and see what we can do…
No. When we moved here, I was told this speed was all that was offered in our area. I thought we could deal. We can’t. It’s like living in the 1991. I’d like to cancel.
It looks like that is the only speed that is offered right now in you area…
*Using ballpoint pen to scoop out left eyeball* RIGHT. CANCEL IT. We just want the phone service. That’s it. Nothing else.
It looks like you have a bundle package. I can help you with your internet and phone needs, but for the cable service, I’ll have to transfer you to Dish-
NO! *gnawing the skin on my right shoulder* I just came from Dish. I just need you to cancel my internet.
Alright, I can do that for you. But before I do that-
No. *handing my bloody left eyeball to my son to play with* No need to do anything before… just wanna cancel the service.
I can cancel it for you. I’d also like to offer you a reduced price by…
*stabbing myself repeatedly in the gut with the fork I used to eat my eggs* No… ow… thank you… OW!
Alright. So, you’d like to discontinue your service altogether, am I right?
I no longer want the internet or cable services. I’d like to keep the phone service.
Okay, no problem. I just need to transfer you to a manager to verify that you’re canceling with us.
Wait, I’m getting transferred again-
At this point, my son is having a terrific time playing fetch with the dogs and my eyeball. You would think with all the blood I was losing I wouldn’t be so focused on the fact that I had to pee.
Good afternoon. This is (manager sounding name), I just need to verify some information with you. Can I have your account number please?
*knocking my teeth out with the corner of my toaster oven* It’s ***-***-****!
Thank you. And I see here that you had a bundle package with us, but would like to cancel?
Yeth. I want to canthel the internet and cable, but not the phone. I want the phone in case of emergenthies.
Looks like you’ve been a customer for a while. We’d love to keep you. What I can do is offer-
NO THANK YOU! *drawing pictures of snoopy on my walls with blood* Just the phone.
Alrighty, we will go ahead and do that for you. And you want to keep the phone service, correct?
Okay then. If you do change your mind…
*whimpering on my kitchen floor* Can you tell me… how much… the monthly payment ith… for jutht the phone thervith?
Sure. That will be a payment of just $19.95
*gurgle* Juth for local calling? No call waiting. No three way. No long dithtanth.
Yes ma’am. Unlimited local calling.
But… it’s five dollarth on our thtatement.
That’s the price of phone service with a bundle package. If you’d like to keep your bundle, I can-
You’re set then. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Very good then. Thank you for calling AT&T.
PS- At least 48% of the above post actually happened.